Full Frontal PR Report
Dan Friedman and James Wester

Please forgive this odd question, but am I the only one receiving spam messages with bizarre subject lines?

I’ve received maybe a couple of dozen of these emails for drugs to fix my waning libido, lengthen my penis, or lose some weight. What’s particularly strange about these emails is not only their horrible (in fact, almost incomprehensible) spelling, but also their almost poetic subject lines.

Some of the subject lines have a Zen-like stateliness to them that indicate they are being sent by some nefarious group of Buddhist cyber-monks or something much more mundane like a random word generator. Maybe it’s their randomness that gives them their appeal, kind of a stream-of-consciousness haiku for the digital age, although personally, I think some guy is sitting with a magnetic poetry set and throwing words randomly at his refrigerator.

I suppose it only stands to reason that, as our businesses become more and more reliant on e-mail and the Internet, some would find ways to exploit it. Let’s be very careful, however, and make sure we’re not the proverbial pots calling the kettle black. While most of us are decent, upstanding citizens who would never think about spamming, we have to acknowledge that on some level those who participate in this dastardly art are, but for the grace of God, us. Heck, I bet in that universe from the “Mirror, Mirror” episode of Star Trek these guys are marketing heroes!

You may not find it as amusing as I do, but if, like me, you sometimes pass slow afternoons by entering random words into a Google search to see what pops up, you know that there are infinite possibilities out there for spammers to use to catch your eye. For example, google the phrase “Fun Loving Buckets of Chum” and see what happens.

I’ve reached the point now where I’ve become numb to Spam with “ordinary” subject lines. Messages telling me I can “eat pizza lose weight guaranteed”, “meet horny neighborhood women” or “transform your rod into a monster” just don’t cut it any more, and let’s be honest—the spammers know it. What I find most amusing is their complete lack of any kind of strategy or common sense. All of the subject lines I mentioned in this paragraph showed up in my wife’s Inbox, not mine. Now, unless there’s something about her that I haven’t picked up on in seven years of marriage, she is just one of millions who will automatically click on the delete key.

Side note: I’d really like to meet the folks who DO open these e-mails. What a target audience they must make!

Maybe I’m just trying to make something good out of this latest spam tactic. Lord knows there are only so many ways to spell “Viagra” or “Xanax,” and I have pretty much seen them all. I have no interest to “Make six figures working from home!” or “Take our latest product survey.” I mean, you have got to come up with something more original than that.

I have invented none of these phrases below. All of them have arrived in my Inbox. I wish that I could find the responsible spammer to thank him or her for adding something original to this scourge of the Internet before I beat him or her silly. (My comments are in parentheses)

• clock concurred hypothalamus (this could be the “Deus Ex Machina” device in a Michael Crichton novel. “The plague-ridden dinosaurs crouched, ready to pounce on Dr. Simmons as she contemplated seducing her corrupt boss. Suddenly she remembered the clock concurred hypothalamus secretly imbedded in their DNA.“)
• lithuania gambit (sounds like a Robert Ludlum novel)
• decolonize adjutant nuance (I am willing to bet these words have never appeared together in this order before—ever)
• dale floodlit giveth (and dale floodlit taketh away)
• animal commotion (sounds like a band from the early ’80’s who weren’t as popular as Flock of Seagulls or Human League but had hair that was just as swoopy)
• hying cyanide (this was the band that Animal Commotion became after they decided to go heavy metal)
• atomic shakespeare rhinoceros (I think I saw this movie on Monstervision last month, about a mutated rhino who writes plays)
• emperor ashoka’s rock edicts (huh?)

As some of you might also have realized, it’s pointless to add these words and phrases to your spam filter, because it will cause every piece of legitimate e-mail will to end up in the Spam box as well (I don’t know about you, but just the other day my mother sent me a message with “rhinoceros” in the subject line).

The only real conclusion is this: as communication and interactive technology continue to evolve, and spammers and their ilk find ways to circumvent the rules, I suppose the least they could do is keep it interesting. So, um, thanks.

Dan Friedman is Co-Chairman of Five Hammocks, LLC, a digital media production company based in New York and Connecticut. James Wester is President of Echo Marketing, a direct mail agency in Northern Virginia.